choice

Finding myself unable to commit.

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Several months back after reading some articles I began to pursue changing to a Mediterranean  diet.  I approached entry to this new way, as I do, slowly and methodically.   I found a book that educated me on what this way of eating was, what it could do for me, and it made sense, but I struggled with committing to it.  

I was able to figure out an eating plan, as the book I read gave me the breakdown of the different types of food and how many servings I should have in a week.  I even made what I consider a genius tracking tool, but still I could not commit.

I tried some recipes and they were good, but then yogurt became an obstacle.  This is something per the book I am supposed to eat 8 ounces of every day; I could not even get two spoonfuls down my throat without making a face at the horrid taste.  Honestly how do people eat that?   I was also challenged with the numerous food names that I had no clue what they were let alone where to find them in a grocery.

But I continued trying to commit; I was sure I could find another option for yogurt that could provide similar benefits, I bought a food dictionary to learn what things like ‘Faro’ are.  Commitment still eluded me with each week being the same conversation “I will start on Monday.”

It was not till doing some rereading that I had my ‘aha’ moment.  In every reading there was talk about it not just being about the food choices but the mindset, of enjoying the preparation of the meal and sharing the meal with others.  And there it was; I don’t enjoy cooking, it is just a means to an end.  I think of it more as a chore than anything else.  As to sharing meals; one shared meal every 2-3 months is as good as that gets for me.

Resolutions????

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In the run up to New Year’s Day there is the constant talk of the resolutions people will make.  Come mid-January the talk turns to how quickly people gave up on those resolutions.  Last night I listened to a news article about how January became the official start of a new year for those who follow the Gregorian calendar.   One of the next articles was about how people tend to chose to start new goals on the 1st of a year or month, all which makes perfect sense, you have to start somewhere.  

This morning as I brushed my teeth I was thinking on the changes I want for my life and I recognized that I could not ‘start’ today as some of the things on my mental list require preparation.  As I pondered through this, I came to the realization that I have done some preparing, however unintentionally; more on that in other posts I am planning.   

The advantage that the Gregorian calendar and an excessive amount of banked vacation days provides me is four unfettered days before returning to work.  My intent is to use these days to plan and have Monday January 5th be the official kick off.

Planning will include documentation of what the goal and it’s terms are.  As I am firmly believe the quickest way to fail at a goal is to be too rigid, I will build in exemptions and rewards when appropriate.   I also am a listophile, yes it is a made up word but I like it better than ‘an avid list maker’, so having lists to track my progress is a tool for success in my opinion.

For an awareness exercise I went online looking at articles about what goals people are planning to set for 2026.  I suspected that many of my goals would not be that different than then rest of the world.   Interestingly I found a whole category that I had not even considered adding, which speaks volumes to my current isolation situation; improve relationships with family and friends.   In recognition of this I will add a goal of facing up to my isolation with some intensive consideration on how I got here, should I stay here, and if not what changes need to be made.

Lessons Learned

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Anniversary is the wrong term; the word anniversary should be kept separate from occasions of sadness, it should be kept for only good things, things to be celebrated. Let’s use the term day of remembrance for the sad things because that is what it is; a day to to remember both the unpleasant thing that happened on that day while also remembering, hopefully with fondness, the people impacted by that unpleasant thing.

Today’s weather is perfect for this day of remembrance; complete cloud cover, no chance of the sun peeking through, the wind pushing the Fall leaves from their branches to skitter across the ground wet from rain showers. The opposite of the weather that day 19 years ago; a bright sunny warm Fall day.

There was work to be done that Saturday; for me it was a few early morning hours in the office, for him…..

I had suspected, as the weather was so lovely, he would have taken the opportunity to get in a round of golf, and told him just that when I arrived home in the late morning and found him repairing the driveway. He admitted he had considered it, but knowing that we had guests coming for dinner that evening he determined it was best to get some work done around the house.

And he was industrious that day; inside the house he had cleaned the bathrooms and washed the floors, there was the aforementioned work on the driveway, wood was chopped, the lawn mowed. Finally he knocked off for the day, came in and took a shower. A short time later as I was upstairs I heard a kitchen cabinet close and came downstairs to teasingly admonish him to stay out of the dessert I had prepared for that nights dinner.

It was not a kitchen cabinet closing that I had heard, it was my husband collapsing to the floor as his heart gave out on him.

From that moment forward the day was a horror, and for the last 19 years I think of October 24th with a sense of dread and unhappiness. But this year I am having a bit of a rethink…….

Like anyone he could get cranky and be downright unpleasant at times, but they were brief occurrences, evaporating almost as quickly as they appeared. The majority of the time he was happy. There was singing (bad singing, but done with such joy you could overlook his habit of making up the lyrics), dancing (before I met him I never believed those movies that showed couples spontaneously dancing in the kitchen), and teasing (oh how he loved to tease people, prodding until you just couldn’t help but laugh with him).

If I look past the horror of what that day became I begin to remember the happy…

When I left for the office he murmured something as I kissed him goodbye; many an hour has been spent trying to remember what he said, but the clear memory I have is standing in the doorway looking back at him in our bed, smiling to myself as I thought “No one should be allowed to be as disgustingly happy as I am”.

I had a list of household chores to get done that day and I smile at the memory that he had done the two things on the list he knew I really disliked doing.

The simplest of the happy things that day that I remember is twice taking him out something to drink and the quiet enjoyment of sitting on the front stoop with him talking about nothing in particular.

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Four Simple Words

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‘You brighten my day’; four words that turned my otherwise ordinary day into something special.

 

For the last month I have been slipping out of the office on Wednesday afternoons to spend a few hours with my grandmother (Memere).  She is 90+ years old and has had some health concerns the last several months which was the motivator I needed to push myself out of my comfortable scheduled life to make more time for this enormously important person. I enjoy having the singular privilege of being her only Godchild.

 

Today during our visit she just said those four words out of blue and then went on with our conversation.  The moment was made all the more special due to the fact that for the last year she has spoken with a stutter that causes her to pause between her words, but these four words were said without stutter or hesitation. 

 

I ended my visit as I always do; a hug, a kiss, an I love you, and the simple question ‘May I come back next Wednesday?’ I received a smile and a ‘yes’ in response. All the way home I smiled and told myself how blessed I am.

 

While the words showed me that I made a difference in someone’s life, it also served as a reminder that I can pass that feeling on by showing the same simple kindness to those who make an impact on my life.

 

At the closing of the year

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There is a negativity to the world right now that just seems more oppressive than ever.  And it just seems to be creeping into everything,  I hear constantly “2016 was a horrible year”.  I even found myself today thinking that my year had been bad, luckily just a few minutes of thinking proved that wrong.  I won’t say it was a fantastic year but on balance it was way more positive than negative.

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January found me exploring the side roads of Topsham.

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February brought our 20th anniversary of our wedding and the sadness of having spent 18 of those years without him.

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March found me exploring Mackworth Island.

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Hamilton House & Vaughan Woods got explored in April.

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Doodles joined the troupe in May just in time for a hike into Poplar Falls

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June got Whale Watch checked off of my bucket list.

July was a busy month: Lubec, Eagle Lake, The Golden Road, Celtic Music Festival, Artisan Bread Festival and Open Farm Day.

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In August I got to check the Great Falls Balloon Festival off my list, and kayaking.  A visit to the White Mountain National Forest rounded out the month.

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Angel Falls was conquered in September and I warmed many a bleacher watching the darling girl playing Field Hockey.

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October brought the road trip to Florida and some much overdue quality time with a dear friend.

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Thanksgiving was spent at the Smithsonian in Washington.

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I rounded the year out with Christmas in Acadia.

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It’s not about the presents

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Them: “What do you want for Christmas?”

Me: “How about we do something special together instead of exchanging gifts?”

Them: “Well I have to get you something.”

For years I have been moving away from the commercialism that Christmas seems to have become, focusing on the experiences instead. I have kept his tradition alive of leaving the Christmas lights on and the Christmas music playing through Christmas Eve to Christmas morning.  In the years of living alone I have created new traditions;

  • Decorating is a quiet afternoon carefully un-wrapping the cherished ornaments received from family and friends being filled with the memories of years past.
  • Christmas cards received are left unopened until Christmas morning when time is taken to savor each one.

The difficulty I experience is with the gift exchange. I have had the conversation above in one form or another more times than I can count.  I am financially secure, if there is something material I need I will get it for myself, I do not need someone to purchase something for me because they feel they have to.  I see the frustration and stress that people put themselves through at this time of year and it saddens me.

I wonder why some cannot put together the fact when they talk about what they enjoyed during the holidays it is not the gifts they speak of but the time spent together.

This year I have chosen to take a stand: if I am asked what I want for a gift I politely advise that I have made a choice to no longer receive or give gifts.  Any gifts presented to me will be declined with a sincere thank you for thinking of me but reiterating my choice.

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